Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Just Need to Write

Today I feel like I need to spend some time putting the mess going on in my head into words.  Too often my unspoken thoughts, left to their own devices, are warped into a destructive way of thinking.  Stuck inside my head without anyone to challenge them, they convince me that I am a horrible mom and wife, and even more pathetically, that the crosses in my life warrant a pity party.  There is some truth to the former--I fall short as a wife and mom, a lot.  But there are also times that I feel I am living out my vocation well, which helps give me some perspective when it feels like I am doing nothing right.  How I can feel so sorry for myself at times, however, is less understandable.  And it is embarrassing.  When the biggest upset in my day is my two year old disobeying or taking his sister's toys, I do not have big problems.  All it takes is a minute of looking outside myself to see how blessed I am--challenges and all. 

Why, oh why am I so dang selfish? 

I try to begin each day by offering it to the Lord--I offer Him my thoughts, words, and actions, my joys and my sorrows, trials and tribulations, successes and failures.  And my prayers.  But often times I want to kick myself half way through the day when I realize that I have not, in fact, truly offered those things to the Lord. 

Because if I had, then I wouldn't feel so alone in my trials and tribulations.  I would know that my God was right there with me helping me in the very moments that I need Him most and offering me all the grace I need for each and every moment of my day. 
That moment between an offending action and my reacting to it is a challenge for me many, many times throughout the day.  For some people {like my husband}, that moment passes easily and right action is made consistently without any conscious thought.  At different points in my life, I have been closer to achieving that ideal, but now is not one of them.  I am not proud about it, but I am not in the habit of reacting well when things don't go my way.  When I am tired or hungry or proud or just plain irritable, I let that moment ride the wave of my spontaneous emotion without taking the extra second or two to reign in my impulses and think about the best way to act before reacting. 

Sometimes I feel like the harder I try to work on this, the harder I fall.  I really think the Devil has it out for us moms {and wives} sometimes.  He has a million opportunities a day to try to distract us from our mission to nurture and protect our children and their sweet souls.  Maybe it's just this time of the year, but a lot of my Mom friends seem to be struggling right now.  Struggling with feelings of inadequacy and defeat and being exhausted by the antics of their oh-so-cute, yet oh-so-stubborn children.  Struggling with the feeling that everything I do--every word I utter, every embrace I offer, every smile I extend, every tickle I give...every temper I lose, every tv show I allow, every tear I {and my child} shed is going to effect my child. 
In a profound way. 
I have a feeling we are harder on ourselves than our children are, but feeling responsible for the eternal livelihood of our children is a heavy weight to bear. 

Yet, when I take that minute to think clearly, I realize that as prevalent as those feelings are, the simple answer is always turning toward the Lord.  {It's simple but not easy, and I am much better about talking about doing it than actually doing it}.

Tonight {really tomorrow morning by the time he gets home from the airport}, my husband is returning from a week long trip out of the country.  The only communication we have had is via Skype with a less than perfect connection.  Calls are dropped, faces are fuzzy, voices are muffled.  Let's face it, I am tired.  I am very tired.  I love my kids with all my heart, but I can tell by the way that I am reacting to things--little things--that it is beyond time for my sweet husband to return.  Thank God it's the last day of his trip because I am a weepy mess.  I am yelling one minute, cuddling the next.  Augustine is probably very confused, especially since I cry when I am happy and sad.  Poor kid.  Thank you, friends, for listening to this cathartic, if not incoherant, rambling.         


  1. Thanks sis...this is exactly how I feel. I think you put all of it perfectly. The part about yelling one minute and cuddles the next makes me laugh...that is totally how I get sometimes and I hate it. I tell cole that Taivian must think he is dealing with Jekyll and hyde...awful!!

  2. I totally understand. I think mothering is the hardest when husbands are out of town. Keith is out of town on business right now too, and I'm counting the hours until he gets back. It seems patience is much easier when there's another person around to remind you that seemingly huge problems (like a toddler expressing frustration) are really normal and not the end of the world!

  3. Hey Andrea, I just wanted to let you know that all of us mothers have been there, and I too I have felt like that a lot lately. I read another blog by a woman who is a very strong Christian and she the other day wrote apost almost identical to yours and then said she read a book that helped her so much in these moments. I know you like to read and thought you might like to check it out if not no worries. The book is called Unglued and is written by Christian author Lysa Terkeurst.

    Thanks for being so honest with your feelings to let us mothers know we're not alone. Hang in there!!